Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
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