so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Randomize