Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
