Pants 0. Shit 1.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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