nut hugger
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
