im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
