i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
