I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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