4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
