First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
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