i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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