I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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