Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
