The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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