I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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