Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Randomize
