I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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