I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize