sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
