I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize