Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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