I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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