If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
