remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
