My room smells like vodka and shame
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Randomize
