If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
