none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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