i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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