We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
