I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
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