dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
