I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
