look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
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