Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
