you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
