I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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