How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
