I skipped work to stalk him.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
