literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
