i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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