just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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