Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
