I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
