I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
