So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
