a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
