I must be too annoying 4 u.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
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