When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
