I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
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