I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
