He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
