I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Randomize
