It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
