My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Randomize
