If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
