For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize