I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
