i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
