omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
