I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
