and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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