Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Randomize
