the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
